"...Nobody questions why we, after Pearl Harbor, attacked Nazi Germany. It was because we were taking on a form of global fascism, we're doing the same thing now ... It seems to me quite obvious that our country and the entire Western World is up against an existential foe that knows exactly what it wants.... For some reason, nobody seems to be talking about who we're up against, and the sixth-century barbarism that they actually represent. These people saw people's heads off. They enslave women, they genitally mutilate their daughters, they do not behave by any cultural norms that are sensible to us. I’m speaking into a microphone that never could have been a product of their culture, and I'm living in a city where 3000 of my neighbors were killed by thieves of airplanes they never could have built..."
Putting aside Frank Miller's affinity for exactly this sort of barbarism in his art, this was a thoughtful quote since I'd just finished Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis, an auto-biographical graphic novel about her own coming of age in Europe and revolutionary-era Iran. In context, I respect Mr. Miller's anger at the situation (and share it) but have to make a point about his language -- this struggle is about power, not culture, and they're very different. All of the positive/amazing aspects of the modern era are also not the embodiment of Western culture but artifacts, embraced by even the oldest cultures to improve themselves in their own ways, not proof of any ideology's appeal.
Literacy and mass communications has an enfranchising effect, it's true. Oppression is threatened by awareness and, when its power is culturally aligned, cultures share the consequences. That's the fault of oppressors, however -- personalities craving control will grow it by the hand of God or man, dusting off any custom or superstition to keep it. This axiom isn't just abundant in history, it defines it -- in time, the ambitions of the powerful dominate the record, even substantiating cultures they originally exploited. The rest of what he mentions -- outmoded notions of law, hygiene, etc. seem as cruel and bizarre as any you'd find where material and educational disparities prevail, as (for example, in reverse) between medieval Europe and Asia.
The Western Bible is no showcase of enlightenment either, chock full of ideas as nutty as any other doctrine dating from over a thousand years ago, and there are plenty in the US who take it as the literal word of God to be obeyed. This isn't any more cultural thing either, however, but observance of an older, frankly more proven artifact. In its day, the Bible was technology, an authority on the universe, human history, and best practices, that did the job for centuries. That's unwise to ignore in a practical sense, no matter how much life has changed in these last few, measly decades.
This suggests something Frank Miller and others seem to forget, as well -- people can and should change slowly, in terms of generations, no matter how fast our toys improve. That's not backwards but sensible on the scale of evolution, making the categorical dismissal of ancient belief systems a disservice to the human species. The way out is to speak truth to power: Cultures are about survival and prosperity, not greed or violence. The ambitions of individuals -- presidents, emperors, terrorists, revolutionaries, you name it -- bring them into opposition, preying on everything and everyone to achieve their ends. To ignore this is to play into their hands.
- Location:Home
- Mood:awake
I recently concluded my imagination needed a recharge, so rather than face the pile of serious reading I've been poking at for a decade or I decided to fill in another personally major cultural literacy gap: Graphic novels. I think this began when I saw the Watchmen movie, for what it's worth -- I enjoyed it so much I rightfully suspected the book must be at least very interesting (I picked 300 and From Hell, otherwise, to evict their film adaptations from memory).
Completed, over the last month or so (numbered items are omnibus editions):
- Asterious Polyp (David Mazzucchelli)
- Watchmen (Alan Moore, Dave Gibbons)
- The Ghost in the Shell #1 (Shirow Masamune)
- Aliens vs. Predator #1 (various)
- Batman: The Dark Knight Returns (Frank Miller, et al)
- Promethea #1-2 (Alan Moore, et al)
- Lost Girls (Alan Moore, et al)
- Ronin (Frank Miller, et al)
- From Hell (Alan Moore, et al)
- The Sandman #1 (Neil Gaiman, et al)
- Akira #1 (Katsushiro Otomo)
- The Dark Tower/Gunslinger #1 (Stephen King, et al)
In-work, on order, or in a big pile in the living room:
- Promethea #3-5 (Alan Moore, et al)
- The League of Extraordinary Gentleman #1-2 (Alan Moore, et al)
- V For Vendetta (Alan Moore, et al)
- Batman: The Killing Joke (Alan Moore, et al)
- Batman: Year One (Frank Miller, et al)
- Sin City #1-7 (Frank Miller)
- 300 (Frank Miller)
- The Sandman #2-11 (Neil Gaiman, et al)
- The Sandman: Endless Nights (Neil Gaiman, et al)
- The Dark Tower/Gunslinger #2-3 (Stephen King, et al)
- Swamp Thing #1-2 (Alan Moore, et al)
- Black Orchid (Neil Gaiman, et al)
- The Books of Magic (Neil Gaiman, et al)
...and, last but not least:
- Prince Valiant #1 (1937-38, Hal Foster) (reading it with the boy)
Additionally, in early 2010 there's supposed to be reissues of the rest of the Akira and The Ghost in the Shell omni's I intend to snatch up.
You might notice an armload of Moore, Gaiman, and Miller. These are some good, satisfying writers -- especially Moore and Gaiman -- but I'm also concentrating on them because (a) I dig noir, a major emphasis of Miller's, and (b) their remaining catalogues are easy to round up and handily span other graphic novel genres. The weak showing of genuine manga reflects my ignorance of quality writers and series in Japan, but I hope to correct that soon.
What do I think? Well, some of this stuff is very good. Even if a particular plot doesn't knock me over, they're always thoughtful and drawn well enough to leave a solid, creative impression on my mind. They do the trick, basically -- my imagination is in a better state, and the format is engaging and portable. I can knock out a chapter or even a page in-between real life crises without losing the context, unlike with novels or histories.
So...yeah. I recommend graphic novels. What a wonderful notion, I...hope they catch on?
- Location:Home
Remember magnolia blossoms?
Creamy like Sunday suits
Blessed with a scent
Only old men would call cheap
I don't want it, though
The heat, the stink, the traffic
The miles, the popping ears
Kids with anything better to do
Those bends of muddy rivers
Bored with the haze, themselves
Cutting this way and that
Just so we could walk together
Nests of bumpy, old roads
People who knew the old me
The me who didn't need respect
Not like I do now
I grew up near hissing rapids
Thinking this would always be
A tunnel of chill in summer
But an excuse to hold each other
The place left me before I left it
Yet you're still there, tucked
Into those cool, dry niches
Mothers and father, now dust
I don't think I'll go back
Until I feel that safe.
- Mood:
bouncy
"...All democracies turn into dictatorships—but not by coup. The people give their democracy to a dictator, whether it's Julius Caesar or Napoleon or Adolf Hitler. Ultimately, the general population goes along with the idea. What kinds of things push people and institutions in this direction? That's the issue I've been exploring: how did the Republic turn into the Empire? ... How does a good person go bad, and how does a democracy become a dictatorship?..."
-George Lucas, Interview in Time Magazine, 2002
All democracies, eh? So...how much is Lucas trying to align his space epic franchise with current events, and to what end? I see little bits and pieces of Iraq and Afghanistan in the Clone Wars series my son is iterating through (we have 24 episodes or so on the iPod). Odd.
- Location:Work :)
- Mood:awake
Even though I grew up in DC and consume a lot of political mumbo jumbo from the Internet, the operative logic in Congress and the White House has always been safely ahead of me. That's predictable, really -- as information rich as any age seems to be, average stiffs with only a few minutes a day to devote to anything other than their job or household will be out of the loop. The blogs and podcasts even I follow probably amount to a chatty hill of beans in this scheme of things.
As the density and cleverness of my favored sources have improved, on the other hand, unease seems to keep pace. I see plenty of reasoned, well-documented riffs on recent, global events, for example, but no useful prediction. It's usually clear where tomorrow's vote on given issues will land (and I'll surely be conversational as to why), while next week keeps being a mystery. With all these referential assets falling flat when I try and make sense of things to come, I'm stuck with deduction.
What am I missing in this mass of analysis, or simply not looking for?
Separating hazards, I'm trying to examine an issue of present, personal and national interest: modernization of healthcare funding in the US. Presented with the essentials -- is effective healthcare a human right (and thus, universally available), may wealthier people be taxed proportionately to offset costs, should drug and healthcare providers negotiate with the government on prices, etc. -- most Americans were sold yesterday, yet action has been dragged into the weeds by the cheapest distractions.
Theories are abundant and dismissive: Americans are stupid. Politicians are on the take. Big drug and healthcare are too powerful. We don't agree on hot-button details (e.g., abortion, substance abuse). The President is too hands on/off. We can't shoulder the deficits. More regulation/controls are too distasteful. These don't jibe with me, however: none are categorically true nor deal-breakers, nor do I see a solid, additive effect -- identifiable interests opposed to coherent groups of these appear, themselves, coherent and a minority.
Barack Obama and this Congress also don't seem to be trying too hard, however, and I'm not to be the only person who seems to think so. Yet, why wouldn't (a) a smart, mandate-rich President and (b) the baddest of bad-assed Congressional majorities pull out all the stops for a legacy of real, lasting healthcare reform?
Overseas consumers of US national debt, mostly in Asia, suggest an answer. These are both annoyed at the collapse of mortgage-backed securities (a former mainstay of export income investment) and suffering with tanked American consumer demand. They want the latter back, at least, and have rumbled disinterest in future debt financing if we devalue it by producing too much, e.g., by creating a non-deficit-neutral public healthcare option with or without new taxes. Without this overseas funding, regardless, the US would grind to a halt.
Right alongside, however, Medicare will soon blitz the federal budget with ailments of retiring Baby Boomers, ironically the last demographic with real retirement plans and supplemental healthcare coverage. A decade-long, multi-front war -- unthinkable a decade ago -- may also catch up to this.
I believe such forces could squeeze the life out of any public healthcare funding initiative and...seem real, logical. I also believe the brightest, most decent-minded leaders of all stripes might quietly (even secretly) abdicate in the face of these, spinning off handouts to insurance and drug companies in consolation for being publicly derided. The current, visible debate would therefore be about...what? Initiative in upcoming party power struggles, foreign policy, or appointment horse trading?
Where do I go beyond this? If I'm glimpsing some higher-level political game, how many years (decades?) have I missed? Am I far gone enough to believe, for example, the last Administration orchestrated the war and ignored evidence of an impending collapse in the mortgage markets to...what? Deny Americans healthcare? Weaken international rivals (China, Russia) for dwindling global resources? That's insane, yet only an order removed from embracing the irrelevance of this graphic debate on healthcare policy.
These notions bother me, but perhaps without merit -- if nothing changes and I'm alive and safe (even without health coverage, as we are now), am I really deprived? Maybe this is the price we pay for preserving a first world lifestyle. Questions nag and persist, however, especially in light of George W. Bush's Presidency: Can Americans rightfully claim a democracy? Did the Bill of Rights ever have value where it counted, in the hearts of our national leaders? I wonder if we'll even know the truth of these, for sure.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
calm
If you're a software engineer, there's a good chance you've bumped into this type in an average, mid-sized company or small division of a large one. Since I've either been or worked with this sort of person in almost every job I've had and heard many, similar reports from colleagues, I'm compelled to provide this analysis for the inexperienced and unwary. Even though I include myself in this classification, I might add, I can't wait until we're a thing of the past.
Here are the hallmarks. Any two will do:
- Advanced academic training, positively correlated with the size of the organization, though without "visionary" status in any discipline (requires social skills)
- Close ties with a CEO or senior management who fought the good fight back in the day, when men were men and the company may not have made it
- Responsibility for at least one (1) major saving of corporate bacon at a point where inspiration -- preferably another's -- was foiled by reality (extra credit if the solution was esoteric/unmaintainable)
Their survival depends on the following. Again, select two:
- Confrontational discussions, often of peripheral substance, characterized by aggressive, invective-laden tones and/or academic doublespeak
- Whisper campaigns
- Divide-and-conquer tactics with teams/management, where all roads leading away from core fetishes end at steep cliffs
These techniques are immediately recognizable if you've been in the industry any length of time, and I'm ashamed to say I've employed most of them. We leapt into the breach when business/technical software was relatively young, became big fish in small ponds, learned lots, and shaped generations of applications which followed. The bad news is our solutions tend to be buggy, weird, and symbiotic (requiring our indefinite input), and hard enough to decouple/decipher that meaningful, spec-driven changes become more troublesome than they're worth. We're a pox on the industry in this sense, but I'm here to tell you this is going to come to an end soon, even if I'm going to be too old to appreciate it. Here's why.
Firstly, there are many, new software engineers with an overwhelming percentage of name-brand CS training under the hood, as opposed to hard engineering or other sciences (e.g., my own Geography/Astronomy degree). This is creating downward wage pressure across the industry and giving employers options they've never had before. Senior hands point out the quality/quantity thing, which is true -- a team of newbs does less good/more harm in the same amount of time as one, motivated senior engineer. This won't remain the case for long, however -- the crowd of devs now in their low 20's will be pretty savvy and level-headed within a decade and more accustomed to networking/collaborating with peers from generational trends alone.
This is compounded by evolving demand for software itself. Although not exactly exploding, software development remains a growth industry because it continues to be a force multiplier for the rest of the economy. This rubs up against an unfortunate fact, however: many business and government applications still suck. For a long time, other industries tolerated notoriously poor reliability/quality in business solutions because they were so new and enabling, but this has changed impressively during my career. Every enterprise relies on computers and Internet-based capabilities these days, has a good sense of best practices, and are regularly on the lookout for better solutions.
I also suspect middleware and back-end solutions (e.g., databases) understood within the ranks of journeyman software engineers today as buggy and support-driven will become extinct as these people become decision makers. Why? Because this class of engineer has come of age having and exploring options (usually cheap ones), and are categorically uncomfortable with the troublesome, vertically-integrated product lines characteristic of the early years of ecommerce.
This is compounded by evolving demand for software itself. Although not exactly exploding, software development remains a growth industry because it continues to be a force multiplier for the rest of the economy. This rubs up against an unfortunate fact, however: many business and government applications still suck. For a long time, other industries tolerated notoriously poor reliability/quality in business solutions because they were so new and enabling, but this has changed impressively during my career. Every enterprise relies on computers and Internet-based capabilities these days, has a good sense of best practices, and are regularly on the lookout for better solutions.
I also suspect middleware and back-end solutions (e.g., databases) understood within the ranks of journeyman software engineers today as buggy and support-driven will become extinct as these people become decision makers. Why? Because this class of engineer has come of age having and exploring options (usually cheap ones), and are categorically uncomfortable with the troublesome, vertically-integrated product lines characteristic of the early years of ecommerce.
Why wouldn't the senior engineers I'm picking on be at the vanguard of this movement, however? Because most of us are entrenched in product lines we're strongly associated with and, fundamentally, not as smart as we look. Our science projects continue to sell and expand, but require constant attention and defense from forces inside and outside our niches, and we're simply not quitters. This quality serves us when nights are long and deadlines short, but not when we have to play well with others. In short, much of this senior cadre of the software industry represents the problem. Lastly, we have to sell our now-elderly, peculiar creations to a new generation of engineers, and a skeptical one at that. That's not typically among our gifts.
Last and least specifically, outsourcing isn't over. Highly-trained offshore resources didn't quite work out as planned when they were so furiously embraced a few years ago, but this illustrated industry and government's distaste for how the domestic software industry works. There are three forces still in motion here, however: Firstly, just as in the US, young, semi-English-literate engineers the world over aren't staying that way by a long shot. Second, more balanced, mixed on-/off-shore development regimes are proving reliable. Finally, local demand for software work in overseas economies is blossoming as these engineers mature into entrepreneurs and spread out, making the idiosyncrasies of US businesses less relevant.
The Indian industry, specifically, provides another important insight: maturity as a discipline. India has the greatest number of high-CMMI/ISO-compliant organizations I've heard of, which both makes sense when selling into other markets and forms a solid, widespread basis for the future competence. The US has been so enamored of its creativity, for good or ill, it's never settled on standards for developer training, process regimes, etc., and it shows. Confronted with this, senior engineers go on about the art and subtlety of software as opposed to, say, civil engineering, but they're fundamentally wrong. The certification and systemization of civil engineering evolved precisely because of costly, inspirational failures in the field, much like bits of the last twenty years of software development.
Why have we gotten away with our particularly American industry for so long? I suspect because we were first to this fight, investment dollars have been easy until recent times, and software is so much easier to develop and leverage than (e.g.) suspension bridges. Software engineering will grow to be a real, standards-driven discipline, however, as it coalescences around the current generations of specifically-trained software engineers. It's a necessity given the numbers, and will become self-evident. We will identify the best and least-worst practices and make them law. Will I miss the early years, so to speak? Yes, in a sense, but that's nostalgia for you: We miss the old, while embracing the new in all things. Thank goodness for progress.
- Location:Home
- Mood: amused
My son gave me a cognitive shiver today, admittedly right on schedule (roughly, once a week at his age). This morning's topic began as geography, after a quick game of Go. I had been reviewing the distribution of colonial influence over the globe in the last lesson, then strayed into languages and customs and how conquest leads to their adoption. As a contrasting example, I was enplaning how, despite the use of English worldwide, it was hard to find English spoken in the interior of China due to isolation, having never been conquered in the modern age, etc.
At this point, he interrupted:
"China is like Rome."
"What do you mean?" I encouraged.
"Well, it's like Rome, but so is the United States. They're both very large. And...if they ever fought it would be a very hard war."
"Why would you say that?" I asked.
"See...China has better attack, but we have better defense."
"What do you mean?" I knew he was using the metaphor of Star Wars miniatures, where units have different attack/defense ratings.
"We have big cities, with lots of buildings and big weapons, so we're tougher and it would be hard to destroy all the buildings. They have lots of people and lots of little cities. When we read the folk tales, for example, they have lots of houses with carvings of dragons and stuff, which are small, but they have lots of people, so they could fight a long war."
"So...how are we like Rome?"
He shrugged. "We're always in a war, and we have lots of weapons and soldiers. Rome did also. And China, and they're very big."
I might need to skip ahead a few lessons, though since he's still eight I'll probably leave out nuclear deterrence so he can sleep at night.
- Location:Home
- Mood:awake
This morning I suckered myself into a discussion that came dangerously close to the truth, which is never pretty in a cube farm. I mentioned a nearby bank robbery to a co-worker, he remarked how rare those are, and I opined that if a certain Wall Street investment firm had a branch in Seattle more people might line up to rob "those criminals." He gave me a studied, deadpan look, clearly in the mood for a debate, and asked how these could rate as criminals. Sliding over the edge, I let go on how these same folks had lent others billions of dollars, then managed to get reimbursed (without obligation) when their clients were bailed out by the US Government. As my grandchildren might get to pay off this debt and executives involved were likely to invest their haul in other, more growth-oriented economies, I ranked them as thieves. Woe is me.
See, ok: Companies that lend unwisely only to be rewarded when somebody else's bacon is saved by the taxpayers are (a) lucky and (b) doing right by their own investors, I get that. As a company, they're functional, possibly even good, but I reject other, implied value propositions. Lots of mechanisms execute their functions well while doing harm -- companies, governments, chemicals, guns, and (yes) markets. And, yet...my co-worker was ready to dance with this. This latest scheme was supposedly part of a venerable equilibrium which sustains us all. This money will return as opportunities, and it's not like this sort of thing hasn't been going on for centuries, right? I wasn't done, however. The scale, I said...I don't care how far back you go, nobody has been as rich as the rich are in this world today. There have never been so many orders of magnitude separating the likes of a Wall Street executive and the normal worker, whose income mostly doubles back into their lives (cars, houses, education for their kids, etc.).
Another co-worker piped in. They're young and, though attached, free of dependents and happy with their opportunities. I contend over the last thirty years the real options available to people with education and average initiative have dwindled -- we need dual-earning households to pay for homes and an unexceptional car or two, to say nothing of the sick cost of college degrees. Add to that typical concerns from a decade or so in a given career, children, and the odd chronic illness and "opportunity" has a different meaning. But no, that's ridiculous -- the things people want drive them to work harder, the nicer cars, bigger houses, gadgetry, etc. Really, I ask? That's a supply-and-demand perspective, yet I see no weakness in supply of...well, anything. Cars, houses, electronics, you name it are all in abundance at historically low prices.
Wasn't the drive for equal rights for women in the workplace, for example, driven by necessity rather than a yen for extra spending money? That particular dam seemed to break...when....just before Ronald Reagan came around to save the world, right? Ah, but there was more.
I pulled my head out of my ass and shot back with two of my favorite things: professional basketball and European cars. Some years ago I watched a documentary called Hoop Dreams, about the divergent lives of two urban youths trying to break into the NBA. A remarkable statistic opens this film: 80% of young men in inner cities are certain they will become professional basketball players. Not that they "have a chance" or "have the talent", but will. While it's true many professional players come from this background, this conviction remained widespread despite the slim likelihood any respondents even knew of somebody who had made the grade. That...is exactly how the American middle class continues to function, despite all the ills we'd discussed. One in perhaps ten thousand of us have the good fortune, talent, and drive to break and keep that first million, yet we all convince ourselves we're certain to, some day.
Isn't this motivation a good thing? I grant you the latitude to succeed, to identify and exploit economies of scale, competitive advantages, etc. is a brilliant quality of American society, but does that somehow require us to put up with the likes of investment bankers swimming in our tax dollars? The door started to snap shut on me by this point, as I was spiraling into the dead end of socialism or something more categorically pathetic in public discussion, so I dug in my heels. Wait!, I said: Think of BMW!
If you ask executives at BMW if they want to be the biggest car maker in the world, they'll give you a (perhaps) surprising answer: Of course not. As they tell the story, a long time ago there was a company which made 100% of the electric toasters in the world (General Electric), yet the year this dominance was achieved that very division lost 150 million dollars. Why? Because being the most powerful (or the only) of anything isn't all it's cracked up to be. As one commands more of a market their identity deteriorates, and the capacity to adapt and grow goes with it. BMW will tell you they've found their place, and they like it. They'll defend and adjust their niche should larger forces shift, but that's it. A different kind of goal, realized. How does this apply to the rest of us who don't make expensive, overcomplicated cars and motorcycles (as a former owner, I get to say that...)? Why, let me tell you.
Look at other, more insular western democracies: the Scandinavian nations, France, Germany, even the UK and Canada. Higher standards of living, better cradle-to-grave services, more leisure/creative time, more employee protections, a better life. Right? Not quite, came the response -- how about their tax rates (25%, 30%), oppressive regulation, and lack of an entrepreneurial identity, etc. At this point I stalled and grew nervous. We'd reached a disconnect -- these things didn't seem bad to me, and I was on treacherous ground in a business setting. How could any sane person abandon the superiority of choice, mobility, freedom, for...a modest, comfortable existence? A place, as in the BMW example, yet not necessarily dictated by one's specifc potential. Why do so many people from these countries come to the US to escape these very things, however? Why don't we hear of Americans fleeing to (e.g.) Denmark or Ireland?
Well, for one, most of these countries aren't letting anyone in, at least not without ancestral ties. One may interpret this as stinginess, but based on my limited travels in Europe I'd say it was a considered choice that's simply alien to the American mindset. These particular cultures have notions of themselves that aren't growth and opportunity driven. Plenty of people come to the US from these places, as well, though it isn't nearly the desperate rush we see from the developing world. My will ebbed as this reasoning made a victory condition unclear -- I desired different things and was less attracted to unlikely possibilities. Then came a hammer blow. That Wall Street investment firm of which I spoke? They're a major stakeholder in the hierarchy of companies I work for. Though I may not be culpable, I survive squarely within the influence of their scandal.
Do I have the nerve to sacrifice my standard of living for a slice moral superiority? Hmmm? What was that? I quieted now that we'd come full circle, then professed exhaustion and retreated, more embarrassed at how wound up I'd gotten than the substance of the discussion. Not here, I thought, not now. None of this was worth fighting for with all the work left to do in the day.
- Location:Home
- Mood: bouncy
Home care for the elderly/infirm is typical work for nursing assistants, and an option my SO is considering now that she has her state ticket. Alzheimer's is a typical condition requiring this kind of care, and Craigslist a typical place to look for such positions. As if a relative afflicted with this wasn't bad enough, these poor folks need help getting their airfare paid up...
- - - -
--- On Fri, 7/31/09, [[My SO's full name]] <[[My SO's email]]> wrote:
From: [[My SO's full name]] <[[My SO's email]]>
Subject: Resume for Caregiver position
To: [[Their email]]
Date: Friday, July 31, 2009, 4:03 AM
To Whom It May Concern.
I am writing in response to your posting on Craigslist. I have recently passed the NAC tests and wish to start work as a caregiver. I come to this work from the background of a stay-at-home mother and published writer. I find this work stimulating and rewarding.
You will find my resume in text below. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
[[My SO's full name]]
[[...My SO's resume text...]]
--- On Mon, 8/3/09, [[Their full name]] <[[Their email]]> wrote:
From: [[Their full name]] <[[Their email]]>
Subject: Re: Resume for Caregiver position
To: [[My SO's email]]
Date: Monday, August 3, 2009, 7:38 AM
Dear [[My SO's first name]],
I acknowledge receiving your application. You are hereby notify that you are among the three people shortlisted for the job.
The job starts in first week of Sept, 2009 when we arrive in USA from London, UK.
Here is the the address where we will be living in Seattle, WA and will like you to find out how much it will cost you for transportation and if you have your car the cost for gas as the fee will be provided for you.
[[...Local address, with invalid apartment number...]]
I will like to know the number of hours you can work daily from Monday through Friday and your charges per hour. The job is opened from 9.00am till 5.00pm Mon-Fri.
I hope to get someone who can work long hours (9am-5pm) but i can consider to employing two nurses/medical assistants who will work morning and afternoon shifts if i cannot get someone to work that long hours.
Job description for my step-dad with Alzheimer's disease includes walking aid for him, feeding, dressing, meal preparation, light housekeeping and medical care which include taking him for his doctor's appointment..
Please let me know your availability schedule for the job as well as your charges per hour.
Regards.
[[Their full name]].
--- On Mon, 8/3/09, [[My SO's full name]] <[[My SO's email]]> wrote:
From: [[My SO's full name]] <[[My SO's email]]>
Subject: Re: Resume for Caregiver position
To: "[[Their full name]]" <[[Their email]]>
Date: Monday, August 3, 2009, 5:08 PM
Dear [[Their first name]],
Thank you for your response to my resume. I am interested in the position, since home care gives me the opportunity to know a patient and give them a higher quality of care. Unfortunately, I can only work half a day, in order to accommodate my husband's work schedule, so that someone is home at all times for our two children. I am fine with any four to five hour block of time each day. I live in West Seattle and your location will be very convenient for me. I am also available on the weekends, if needed, to provide you and yours with a respite.
I am seeking twenty dollars an hour without benefits. I only ask for gas money, if I use my own vehicle to transport to any location beyond West Seattle. I look forward to working with you and your family to provide the best care possible for your step father. Thank you for your time and consideration.
[[My SO's full name]]
--- On Thu, 8/6/09, [[Their full name]] <[[Their email]]> wrote:
From: [[Their full name]] <[[Their email]]>
Subject: Medical Assistance: Provisional Appointment.
To: [[My SO's email]]
Date: Thursday, August 6, 2009, 8:05 AM
Dear [[My SO's first name]],
This is to notify you that you have been given a provisional appointment to be the medical assistance for my ailing step-dad.
You are selected based on your experience and passion to care for the elderly man with Alzheimer's disease.
I will be arriving precisely Sept 11th but job starts on Monday Sept 14th.
Here is the Job description:
Prepare meals, paying attention to his medical needs, taking him for doctor appointment, dressing, feeding, light housekeeping. The job continues as long as my step-dad stays alive.
I will send to you USA MONEY ORDER of $1,900 which i bought the last time i came to the USA. I will write the Money Order payable to your name so you could cash it at your bank.
I am sending you that much money because of my step-dad's Alzheimer's disease.
My step-dad got sick couple of months ago which made me spent lots of money taking care of his medical bills.
The Money Order is from USA which is cashable at your bank and its not cashable here in UK. As soon as you receive the Money Order, take it to the bank and cash it and deduct $400 which is your wages for the first 20hours and $20 compensation for transport/gas fee.
Then send the balance of the money to my ticket agent in London so i can buy the family flight ticket.
I am sending you an advance as a mark of commitment on my part. I will be responsible for the tax since i am employing you.
I will like to confirm your full name and full address with apt # so that the Money Order can be sent to you as soon as possible..
Accept my congratulations!
[[Their full name]].
- - - - -
Wheeee!!! $20/hour is high for a nursing assitant, BTW, but not outrageous for home care in this town with driving, etc. We expected to negotiate downward, but to our great joy they even wanted to pay in advance. It's comforting to know, regardless, the global entrepreneurial drive remains intact in these uncertain times.
- Location:Home
- Mood:awake
After several of these transitions the residents have things planned: Somebody rents trucks, everybody breaks down tents and bags/labels possessions, and off they go en masse to a new, still secret destination on state land to begin again. For us, however, tonight was just...bizarre -- it was as if we'd stumbled into a weird, suburban activist meet-and-greet, sprinkled with a few actual homeless trying to collect gear while cameras and microphones swung every which way. I'm glad to say we did useful work even so, rolling up tents and tarps, packing, labeling, and carrying what we could without swapping cred or dwelling on the turnout for this going-away show.
Maybe I should inform this a little more, however. My (now dead) mother and (still trying) father were alcoholics and addicts since before I was born, almost 40yrs. My memories of them are laced with a crazy, self-destructive mythology, and both were homeless at different times (or fortunate they weren't). My wife and I also grew up near and in Washington, DC in the 80's and 90's, with an entirely different order of urban, addicted misery. In Colorado, we even had crack and methamphetamine addicts on our block. This is how I understood the homeless before college -- unlucky, sick in the head, and compulsively criminal.
My worldview did improve, however, when I met my first, bona-fide nomad at Goddard College: Clear Marks. Clear drove onto campus one day in a rattle-can blue Pinto, himself old as dirt with a Santa Claus beard and a lively smile. He used this shtick as a guru-facilitator to get by, putting together and selling jumbled, photocopied books on peaceful coexistence, harmony with nature, etc., all the while eating from compost heaps and dumpsters, hanging out in dorms until nobody had the heart to make him leave, and generally becoming a fixture by virtue of charm and good will. He seemed like a sad case to me, while apparently happy being himself. I had to admit I couldn't beat that, even then.
So when I looked over this very neat, public settlement I was confused: Were these wanderers, expressing their sense of community without property, or a west coast version of busted I just hadn't seen? As we helped tent-dwellers pack up, I gravitated towards the latter: Jailhouse tattoos, quick, hushed hard-luck stories which might lead to a hard sell, all things I'm used to walking away from. We've learned that lesson -- we don't have that kind of room in our house or bank account. As we kept working, however, I had to admit things weren't so simple. These were unlucky, unhappy people, but organized and intentionally nonviolent.
The more I considered the perversity of our role, as well (showing up to help folks leave), the more self-consciousness seemed out of line. It's ok to admit I can't open my home to make the world more correct, for example, even as I suspect the camp would welcome us were the situation reversed. The residents know the deal, also, certainly after being displaced regularly -- it isn't right in some larger sense to discretely contribute as as we did, but it is good. A normal, human gesture to help a neighbor when you can. Back in the comfort of my home later on, I hoped Nickelsville's next neighbors came to the same conclusion.
- Location:Home
- Mood: calm
While learning to breathe again
The sticky went smooth
The close went cool
And just like that, I was free
The weather fell from a cliff
And my dreams jumped after it
While time looked for me,
Sleep drifted past like redwoods
On my back, beneath dusty curtains
Courting the breeze with care
There I stayed, as day finished
Balancing on that lick of peace
Until night had enough of me
- Location:Home
- Mood:awake
Says Mom, shoving whatever into a canvas bag
A barely-heard crunch within, and they're loose
Tiny metal spiders, with tickling feet (like needles)
I think I bought them to clean fishooks
Sometimes we check, mostly not.
Rolled-up instructions remain in the broken vial:
A P.O. Box in Montana for a cure or something
A suggestion to masturbate, otherwise
Anyone reading this stares vexed, slack-jawed
As their bodies split and shard, bloodless, like tofu.
My cleaners breed in seconds, eating everything.
I've run, shooed, even followed instructions.
Ran to the Internet, hit the perfect Google,
Firing warning missiles into space. Stay away!
As Earth crumbles to black, leaving them cold.
Yet I come back, at least I think I do
However it ends, over the ocean, at top speed
My heart stops a second later, with that sound
Maybe what I screamed this time will stick
Let's not go? Give me the bag, ok? What was-
- Location:Home
- Mood:awake
Winter has smoky hair, shy of black
The ember eyes, skin like cream
With even more taste of sweat
Under all the wool and leather
Yet she argues like an icepick
Fall? Broken by hurry and doubt
Looking away, down, never forward
I wish she'd find our times were good
Instead of imperfect, too short
But she's trapped, even I see it
Summer is so intent, so perfect
Trust me, her fury is immaculate
A gaze that withers, even in memory
For some, her beauty bests all of this
But not enough for me, not now
Spring has the arms I'd die in
No bouncing, no seething, but a touch
Bowing skin hairs like wheat stalks
Closing in at night, spinning 'round by day
Greeting my waking eyes forever
- Location:Home
- Mood: bouncy
The downside, if you could call it that, is less disquiet. I'm not a great blogger nor otherwise an accomplished writer, but having my finger on the "send" button of my mobile as much as I have saps some will to create. Before this behavior (all those days ago), I clearly recall spending a week or so building up a head of steam on a few topics, weeding out the least-clever of them, then regurgitating a blog entry or windy email when it was ripe. Then again, before I blogged I mainly scowled a lot, occasionally hijacking discussions with friends or my SO to get whatever troubled me out of the way.
So...the good old days of silent contemplation? Well, more like griping, and not terribly silent in the scheme of things. Ok, so way back when I wasn't consciously, forcibly light-hearted to draw and keep a following behind 140-character posts. The odd part is this silliness does keep me mellow. It's like being on a school bus with friends on a field trip, where everyone's looking forward to something, the discussion ebbs and flows randomly, and it's ok to dive in or just take a break and watch the world go by under the cover of road noise. A nice, unthreatening interlude between jolts of real life, but not at all memorable.
That said, reviewing my ever-growing to-do lists (in my phone, no less) is more agitating than before. These words here and any professional works are all that will remain beyond the circle of my family after I die, yet I seem headed towards an increasingly unexceptional, stream-of-consciousness existence. More reactive, less thoughtful, less...hungry? With the explosion in personalized, diversified media sources, in fact, we have few common points of reference in news, culture, politics, and even less desire to craft any. Debate loses steam, differences seem written off as we sink into respective, hidden spheres of influence.
I don't think intertwining my life with others in these ways is bad, however, but it isn't life itself. Further, what I believe makes us great (as a species) is our capacity for dissatisfaction and the will to act upon it. We make war because of it, but also everything that's worth fighting for. This gift can't thrive without a quiet mind, nor spread without passion, hopefully tossing out the 140-character limit.
- Location:Home
I feel like we've been honest, at least with ourselves, and since we're still making payments and feeding the kids we have nothing to be ashamed of. Well, nothing yet -- I can't replace tires on the car, fix anything on the house if it breaks, get new clothes, or pay down medical bills until next month, but maybe then. If the SO's CNA comes through and she finds work, and we manage to split the childcare, and I don't go nuts while she works nights and weekends, and...and...
She and I are still going back and forth on the virtues of going forward with her nursing work to finance the remodel downstairs, then getting a renter -- it's permitted, we've done the plumbing, scavenged cabinets, a fridge, and a dishwasher, but the electrical estimates are way too much. Even if we pull this off, it seems like we're on a road to 20yrs of hard labor to feed this beast, and that wasn't in either of our plans (poor, poor us, I know).
I also can't say if in so much as a couple of years, however, either of us would be working in this town. I see this "economic crisis" cascading through different levels of global economy -- guest worker remittances drying up in far-flung countries that have nothing to do with mortgages, oil, or car companies, class violence in places where there used to be work nobody even wanted, etc. I can't imagine things will snap back to zero, ever, with American home-driven spending gone for good, so why bet the farm on having dual incomes?
Surrendering the house seems, on the one hand, the most flexible solution. On the other, my SO is wise to suggest we're better off energizing rather than fleeing -- doing what we have to in order to rent out the downstairs, work, work, work, and just bank on the economy stabilizing and our neighborhood not becoming a war zone. Be ready for better, rather than open to the worst. These are at least partly self-fulfilling prophecies, besides, aren't they?
Hope breeds hope, panic breeds panic. Nobody remembers either, on the other hand, if they don't turn out to be justified.
Our married life's pattern, so far, has been reaction and easy boredom. We've broken and run from unfulfilling lifestyles twice, for example, but at least now I can be honest about these habits and what they've cost us. If we'd stayed in DC, for example, we'd be six years shy of owning our first home, free and clear. Complete with its wet basement and mosquitoes, true, but in the bag. If I'd kept my last new car or my first new motorcycle, for that matter (guess how long ago?), it's embarrassing to consider how much more we would've saved.
I'd wager this glimpse of awareness is worth more than eyefuls of abundance, however. Think small, reach close, finish what I start. Rinse, repeat, and we ought to end up someplace good. This adventure might've been worth it, after all.
- Location:Home
I think speculative fiction triumphs on strong characters and exotic stories well suited for those characters. An interesting world portrayed consistently helps a lot, yet only a Vulcan would find an exhaustive walkthrough of weird technologies and cultures watchable in of itself. This is exactly how my two most formative sci-fi franchises (Star Wars and Star Trek) lost their respective ways, but they thankfully seem to be recovering.
Star Trek, The Original Series (TOS) became so significant because of just such an ensemble of strong, enigmatic personalities and good-fitting stories, while its vision of the future (including its hemlines) gave it legs, seeding the imaginations of millions. The franchise has suffered over time, however, unable to solidify or discard this formula because (I suspect) it was unintentional in the first place.
See, Star Trek wasn't so much about a cerebral, glorious future but one resembling a sordid past, where the "frontier" of space is arbitrary and fearsome, demanding stubbornness and cruelty. Maybe some...er..."awkward" acting made it click, I'm not sure, but subsequent shows and most of the movies either didn't perceive or couldn't recapture this essence, resorting instead to fanservice and tedious, otherworldly dramas or (worse) shooting for bygone charm by hamming things up.
Somebody -- maybe J.J. Abrams -- figured this out. This sneaky person went even further, however, somehow isolating defining aspects of the principal characters (as opposed to original performances) well enough for this new cast to recreate the same exciting, tense mix found in the first series. As if that wasn't enough, specific character backstories were modified by time travel shenanigans in this plot to better support these qualities...and it works well. Not shabby.
What of Star Wars? It's worthwhile to compare the ebb and flow of both franchises in this light. Star Wars worked, originally, because of a solid, basic story and Lucas' talent for stretching resources and technology, forcing him (in the end) to cook everything longer. Either with age or the advanced expressive tools at his disposal, he didn't make many compromises with the prequels and it shows. Their stories are half-baked, characters thin as paper, and generally aren't fun to watch.
I really dug the Clone Wars movie and series, however, and hope the mainstream material in Star Wars continues towards some of the better Extended Universe canon, since there are some fun, gripping stories on its fringes.
Aaaaanyway...all the applicable stars and thumbs, Star Trek is a good movie. Go see it, and -- yeah -- it's got some twists and turns so stay away from spoilers if it's doable. If there's a sequel or series, they oughta be good, also.
- Location:Home
- Mood: full
Mothers' Day is upon us this Sunday (...or, hadn't you noticed?) so -- naturally -- I'd like to relate some of my grandfather's recollections, since he did most of my raising.
My grandfather harbored nothing but scorn for Fathers' Day, firstly, because it came to popularity in his lifetime and, in his eyes, seemed wholly manufactured. As it turns out, however, there was gravity in the movements behind both parents' holidays. For example, each was created to honor those in dire circumstances -- single fathers making good on the one hand, mothers made destitute by the loss of husbands and sons on the other. Both also have significant, anti-war underpinnings since fathers and sons tend to die in them, with mothers generally left to cope in their absence.
In my grandfather's youth, in fact, Mothers' Day had a tangible, historical basis. As he described it, folks in his community first gifted or did work for mothers other than their own, specifically elderly women left to fend for themselves after losing husbands, children, and probably livelihoods in the Civil War. Because of his telling of things, in fact, I confused this with Decoration Day for the longest time because the notions seemed so (gruesomely) similar.
Many Civil War mothers didn't settle for this sort of charity, however, instead gathering publicly for mutual support and to advocate for lasting peace (the extinction of their own movement, in a way). After some years of this, what we understand as Mothers' Day was established to commemorate their lives and fortitude. Of course, in recent decades these tragic, activist connotations have slipped in favor of celebrating positive mothering, in general.
This modern focus rightly benefits women in our own families, but I can't help feeling it draws attention away from exactly the people the holiday was created for -- those who've struggled to raise a families only to lose out, now often on their own. That seems...typical of this age, I suppose: A once-evocative and meaningful commemoration made cute and sentimental. As in, "If I give the SO breakfast in bed, (maybe) flowers, and time to read I ought to be good to go, right?"
Ah, well. Here's a poem from one of the founders of the Mothers' Day movement in the US, just to capture some of the flavor of those times. Happy Mothers' Day, one and all.
Mother's Day Proclamation
Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."
From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.
- Location:Home
- Mood: calm
Here's a scene: Me, cross-legged by the TV, poking at the laptop to switch it to S-Video, then cussing and shuffling back and forth as I tug at an Ethernet cable (streaming is more reliable wired), reset the router and base station, and maybe wait for a reboot because the laptop's dizzy about networks. Reminds me of a certain grandfather messing with rabbit ears and palm-heeling the shell of an (oddly, about the same size) black-and-white TV that took a minute or so to warm up.
All the while -- in both instances -- dessert-trippy kids and tired SO not-so-patiently waiting, eyes a-rolling.
See, ok...I'm not sure if it's a change of season thing, but lately the family has been getting together after dinner to watch "TV" before kid-bedtime. I use "quotes" because we don't have an HD tuner (nor do we want one) nor cable video service any more, so we rely on Netflix or something else online. Since we're way behind on our DVD queue, as well, that usually means whatever gets our attention in the "Watch Instantly" pile, not unlike "finding something good on the tube".
The more things change, not so much...right?
Much as Granddad gave in to a roof antenna and solid-state set, in fact, many people are moving beyond my sorry state with things like dedicated media PC's/devices or...um...I guess, exercise and good books? Another curious parallel with that time (now, 30+ years gone by) is the cost, of course: A good TV back then, considering inflation, was probably about the same as the hardware outlay for a passable LCD TV and media device today. Maybe...US$500 now for an LCD screen, US$500 for a PC or tricked-out XBox 360?
But there's another piece to the cost that's a head-scratcher: bandwidth. (Sub)urban life without broadband is pretty dismal, in my estimation, so broadband service feels like a requirement. The qualifier "(sub)urban" is key because were I immersed in a setting where nobody had reliable broadband service I suspect it wouldn't matter as much, but since everyone I meet is already so equipped feeling pathologically left out is hard to avoid.
Bandwidth today, TV's and station proximity decades ago -- that fits.
Early adopters paid dearly both then, as now, but their homes became little showcases for the future and gathering points in exchange. We're beyond that stage with the Internet, however, but still pay for bandwidth explicitly, don't we? Yet...not TV signals. I know why this is, but it's funny that in the UK they've had to subsidize television service from the get-go with licensing fees for sets, and now we're sort-of doing the same for the convenience of broadband access.
Broadband offers much more than the push-only technology of broadcast TV, to be sure, but it's interesting how people of both eras considered these respective capabilities proof of normalcy (civilization itself, perhaps). I've been without broadband service, off and on, over the last few years and by now it truly sucks: I have no paper bills/statements/fixed payments, never shop in stores save for food, and don't even have hard copies of current kid pictures.
The Internet is life, for us. High-bandwidth access to it constitutes an acceptable standard of existence, and I could almost see living in a yurt on a wind-swept plain somewhere, providing I had low pings to my favorite services and a weekly air drop of food ("almost" because I still like live people and yaks smell funny). I often wonder if the 20th century didn't just give us -- the developed world -- lots of consumer goodies it really didn't want, in fact, motivating us toward a weird, futuristic material austerity. Interesting.
I hope I don't have to give up my iPod, though...that would suck.
- Location:Home
- Mood:busy
After a couple of years in SL roleplay I've spent quality time in a few Gorean-themed sims and with a couple of the John Norman books and thought it useful to pass along an observation or two. Gor is bad for you. Ok, that's a bit limited, so let me specific. Gor is very draining in a way -- particularly in the dominant role -- to the point it's hard to enjoy other things to their fullest. My primary support is Norman's books themselves, in the endless descriptions of the degrading existences of his characters. Plenty of type has been expended on the female roles, so I'd like to spend some time on the hapless masters.
One my earliest, most important insights into BDSM was its underlying, backwards truth. A dominant serves the submissive. In exchange for trust and devotion a top (should) take responsibility for the bottom's fulfillment. Not "comfort" or "happiness", since the physics of many of these relationships are violent, but...completion. They feed a part of the submissive's psyche they can't (or choose not to) any other way. In most arrangements it doesn't work forever, but that's fine. Hopefully there were good times, and no lasting harm. This is BDSM -- an abbreviation which suggests power, control, and pain but is really about need, understanding, and care.
So, what do we have in Gor? Within some cadres of its society, admittedly those most commonly modeled in roleplay, this is almost like what I've described -- there's a master and one or more slaves (usually female, but the boys have some fun, also), and occasionally a free woman in the picture. The problem comes with the rest of this world. The constant job of keeping order and the pall of mortal conflict surrounding Gorean civilization places the master squarely in a detached, cruel role all the time. This is immensely polarizing and, additionally, offers no relief for anyone.
The Gorean master is a grim-jawed, muscle-bound hero, and heroes have sucky lives -- that's why so few, likeable people earn this title in real life. At the lower levels of Gorean society (mostly in the books), this takes on the sinister qualities these situations adopt in real life. The struggle for survival, the hustle of business, turns the working class Gorean into a true slave driver and the Kajira/Kajiri into meat. Even this level of objectification might be fun, however...but only once or twice.
The essential pleasure of being a conventional dominant is totally absent from this picture -- a job well done, a happy, slobbery sub, with personal enjoyment for the top as carefully-staged gravy. Do that long enough -- even in roleplay -- and life (first or second) gets less enjoyable overall. Worse yet, Gorean culture demands so much time and intensity to sustain its muscular image the initiate must alienate themselves from other pursuits (almost cult-like) to fit in.
The essential pleasure of being a conventional dominant is totally absent from this picture -- a job well done, a happy, slobbery sub, with personal enjoyment for the top as carefully-staged gravy. Do that long enough -- even in roleplay -- and life (first or second) gets less enjoyable overall. Worse yet, Gorean culture demands so much time and intensity to sustain its muscular image the initiate must alienate themselves from other pursuits (almost cult-like) to fit in.
There are good aspects, don't get me wrong. The detailed mythology of Gor offers other, entirely more enjoyable subcultures and even the primary meme can be good fun. I've been strung up as a slave, stalked the countryside as a Panther, and even snuck around as a tansgendered Free Woman, filling the occasional harem and back room with giggles and moans. But living the life? Blecch to you, John Norman. Lastly, it appears the larger Gorean culture looks at the books and their seedier undertones the way Star Wars devotees do the original Lucas material -- inspired, but limited.
Thank goodness even Goreans have a sense of humor.
Thank goodness even Goreans have a sense of humor.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
giddy
My strongest responses troubled me -- anger, annoyance. I expect better of myself, and it took a while to put this together even though suicide is well established in our family history.
At the heart of the matter, I struggle with hope and don't need this sort of help. I sometimes have trouble seeing how the lengths we go to will lead to a better future (yet). I hurt, my leg is half-knotted and numb. We have next to no health insurance and a cabinet full of prescriptions. I have no paid days off, ever. There will be no advancement at this job. Why do I need more evidence getting out of bed could be pointless?
I'm ashamed to realize I also found this very rude. When the officer I mentioned described other incidents he'd seen and responded to I could feel us sharing the same sort of irritation. This woman's life might've been horrid or only seemed so from that corner of her mind in charge yesterday, but we'll never know. Whatever her gifts or strengths, she never shared them with us on the grass below -- only her mess.
This morning rain fell on the spot where she finished like some kind of regret, with yesterday's brilliant sky all gone as if giving up. I stood next to the mashed grass for a few minutes and reflected on my own, nervous atheism. Could this be a sin, without Hell and God to account? Since life and free will are nature's only true gifts, destroying even your own might be that bad. It's painfully immoral, even without scripture to swing judgment from.
If there's a sin without God, however, then I'll have to do the forgiving, so I'll get to it. I wish it wasn't so, just the same.
- Location:Home
- Mood:
guilty
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